POST-EIGHTIES SHAME

The cultural nightmare that was The Eighties is still fresh in the mind of those that were there, not least of all the hideous pop phenomenon that took the form of Glam Rock. The Darkness is one example of contemporary artists who have tried to resurrect an image that has been safely buried in the Cemetery of Sickening Sights for some time. Thankfully, and understandably, it has not been welcomed back with open arms.

But it leads us to an interesting question: why has no such image, unique to the nineties and/or “noughties”, been isolated for similar abuse? It’s true that Boy Bands and “The Sexy Lip-Syncing Bimbo” have arisen to great heights since 1990, but these have had manifestations in every decade. Rave music certainly had the ridiculous whistle-blowing, cycling shorts image, but this has developed into a seemingly endless array of specialised dance music – house, deep house, trance, trip hop, acid, jungle, carny, monkey, mashed potatoes etc.

So are we to assume that the post-eighties generation has got off Scott free? No. There is one art form that, I will argue, holds as much promise for retrospective embarrassment as David Lee Roth in a jump suit.

But perhaps we should first identify the elements of Glam Rock that still make us shudder:
1. The same image. Every Glam Rock band can be identified by any combination of the following: massive, puffed out hair, eye or face make-up, skin tight leotards or jump suits, and head bands.
2. Lame music videos. Although this is strongly linked with (1), Glam Rock music videos were in a league of their own. All four members of the band are shot on stage performing a combination of ridiculous gymnastics and cringe-worthy camera antics that include constant pointing and tongue waggling. These scenes are mixed with long shots of a massive audience (which is probably cribbed from a Queen concert), and a sequence where the band jump about in a funfair or shopping mall.
3. Lame music. Although beauty is in the eye of the beholder, it would not be unfair to say that, in general, all Glam Rock music sounds the same and that, in general, it was all quite crap. Usually kicked off with an eighties relic – the keyboard synthesiser – the drum beat soon arrives with about as much character as an electronic metronome. This is followed by a predictable sequence of verse/chorus/verse/chorus/chorus with an absurdly pretentious guitar solo in between the final two choruses. The song then fades out for another 2-3 minutes and ends.

Of course this may be crude account of the genre, but let’s face it: anyone who defends the Glam Rock era either (a) still has a poster of the band Kiss on their wall or (b) was once in the band Kiss.

But let’s get straight back to the point. I argue that modern Hip Hop, in particular, Rap music, is either at a par, or perhaps even worse off, than eighties Glam Rock. I now present my argument:

1. The same image: Every Rap artist can be identified by any combination of the following: a baseball cap, a loud basketball shirt, a hoodie, an offensively large necklace, a fur coat, bullet wounds, an American or Americanised accent, and at least eight semi-naked women in the immediate area.
2. Lame music videos: Although this is strongly linked with (1), Rap music videos are in a league of their own. An artist is required to adhere to the following rules: (a) you must, at some point, hold lots of dollar bills as though they were cards in a poker game (b) it must appear that at any given point you have unlimited access to guns, Hennessey, bodyguards, and at least eight semi-naked women (c) you must, at some point, touch your genitals (d) your head must nod for the entire duration of the video unless, (e) you pause the music and begin a mini movie in which you demonstrate your unlimited access to guns, Hennessey, bodyguards, and at least eight semi-naked women.
3. Lame music: Nobody can argue that there is a wide variety of popular commercial rap music, and that is because they all follow the same formula: all music is electronic. If it is not electronic then it comprises of looped guitar riffs from the glam rock era. All songs require an inane and totally meaningless utterance every 12 seconds, e.g.: “yeah”, “uh-huh”, “what?”, “come on”, or “that’s right”. The lyrical content will never move away from these four subjects: women, guns, money, gang warfare, money, women, and money. And finally, an artist is required to constantly remind the listener that he or she is the best artist in the industry, apart from all the dead ones.

So today’s Rap music matches, if not trumps, Glam Rock in every respect. It is important to remember this, because in years to come this image too will be mocked, ridiculed and spat at just as we condemn that shameful product of the eighties. We may not realise it now, but we will soon be in that familiar position regarding musical eras that every generation sooner or later finds itself in: denial that it ever had anything to do with us.

I would begin distancing myself as soon as possible.