POPE TO LEAVE CATHOLICISM

Catholicism was dealt a ‘massive blow’ today when it was announced that Pope Benedict XVI would be leaving the religion after signing a 5-year deal with UK-based outfit the Anglicans, in a deal believed to be worth over US$100m.

At a press conference a Catholic spokesman said: “This is a massive blow to our religion. Pope Benedict was an integral part of our organisation and his leadership, enterprise, and blatant homophobia will be sorely missed. We hope he continues to flourish with his new religion in England. We are not only losing a fine asset, but also our Pope and friend.”

It is doubtful that Benedict will be allowed to keep his position as Pope in England due to the difference in hierarchical structure. Opinion suggests that he was offered the role of Archbishop of Canterbury in order to make the move more attractive, and this has sparked rumours that current Archbishop Rowan Williams will use the opportunity to leave Anglicanism to join Protestantism, the religion he supported as a boy.

Benedict is the first Catholic to move directly to Anglicanism since 1937, but will be seen to fit the mould of previous Anglican heroes, known for their style of endless droning and mindless yammering-on about blacks and gays. However there will be a keen interest placed on how Benedict copes with the fast-paced English game which differs so greatly from the slow approach that he would have grown used to in Italy.

The move will come as a relief for Anglicanism who have been looking for a bright young star to replace their Bishop who left last year to finish his career in America with Scientology. They will hope that Benedict’s narrow-mindedness and complete lack of logic will allow them to rebuild a religion that has seen an alarming drop in support and attendance. Unlike Catholicism or religions in other parts of the world such as Islam or Christian Fundamentalism, Anglicanism has not been directly responsible for human rights violations in over 30 years – far too long a wait for a religion that once boasted the largest following in the United Kingdom. Some commentators have criticised the religion for not adapting to the modern approach as exemplified by the Christian Fundamentalists and in America, who have seized control of the modern game through blatant denial of scientific fact and a new approach now known as ‘delusionalism’ in which supporters and preachers alike are found wriggling on the floor or speaking gibberish for up to five hours continuously.

An unnamed source described as ‘close’ to Benedict says the move will do much to develop Benedict as a preacher and that his career had been stifled by the ‘negative approach’ to religion that Catholicism tried to instil into Benedict by making him Pope. “Ben never wanted to be Pope,” says the source, “but the powers that be, by which I don’t mean God because he’s imaginary, saw fit to award him the position because they saw a promising leader who didn’t enjoy a deluded sense of justice or the lure of paedophilia. By making him Pope they hoped to keep him within their reach. But he was not able to fully express himself and reach his full potential [in Catholicism] and so I hope that his move to Anglicanism will prove to be the right move.”